four
by Cath1
Summary: Four things Caitlin Todd finds it difficult to say. Kate centric. Some Tony Kate.


Title: four

Author: Cath

Disclaimer: Characters, etc, do not belong to me

Summary: Four things Caitlin Todd finds it difficult to say. Kate-centric. Some Tony/Kate.

Notes: Every time I start to be interested in a new fandom, I promise myself that I won't write more fics. Yet again, I seem to have gone against this promise. Hopefully a one-time aberration… Anyway, first NCIS fic. Little late to the Kate Todd fiction party, but… better late than never. I think…

Feedback is appreciated.

---

four

---

1: "help"

-

There's a tree near to where she grew up; a large, rambling old oak tree. It's been there since forever, her brothers tell her.

It's where they set up their den; the place they all run off to when they are trying to escape from her. At the age of six, she is too young to be allowed to play with them and certainly too young to be climbing trees, they tell her.

Instead she has to stay at home with her mom and do "girl stuff". Like, play with dolls or bake cookies or dress up.

She hates all these activities. Instead she spends her time gazing out the window at the tree in the distance and thinks about all the things her brothers are up to.

Her brothers come back in the evenings, covered in mud, laughing, pushing at each other, joking. Frowning, she asks them if she can join them.

"Girls can't climb trees!" Ben laughs derisively.

"Best you stay indoors with Mom," Daniel chimes in, "you don't want to get your clothes dirty now, do you?" he goads.

She bites her lip, folds her arms, and manages successfully to hold back the tears that threaten to spill. She refuses to show them how much their words hurt her.

But she's had enough. Later, as they sit together to watch TV, she leaves the room, ostensibly to use the bathroom. But as she passes near the door, her coat and sneakers beckon to her, tell her to demonstrate that she can climb trees as well as any boy.

And she puts on her coat and sneakers and quietly opens the door. Outside it is raining; hard, fat drops from a sky that darkens the summer night. The atmosphere threatens a thunderstorm, but she is determined to prove herself.

She runs to the tree as fast as she can. And then, holding onto branches and carefully placing her feet on notches and in holes, she climbs. Slowly at first, then faster, higher, higher, until, at last, she is as high as she can climb.

Worn out and soaking wet, she sits on a branch and looks out to the house. The sky is darker now, and she can see lights on in the house and throughout the neighbourhood. And the rain continues to pour. In the distance, lightning forks down to the earth and the rumble of thunder causes her to shudder.

Maybe she should head back home.

And then she looks down. The ground below seems miles away and she cannot understand how she got to be so high. The storm is nearer now; the time between thunder and lightning decreases rapidly.

She turns in an attempt to descend the tree, but the fading light takes away her ability to see a safe way down, and after her feet slip for a third time down a branch, she desperately holds on.

There are barely two seconds between the thunder and lightning now; the rain hammers down.

And for the first time, she realises that she needs help.

Voices in the distance shout out her name: "Katie", "Kate", "Caitlin". Her father and brothers are searching for her. But she does not shout back.

Asking for help does not come easily, even as she grabs onto a branch and her feet slide down again and again, failing to secure a safe descent.

She fears that they will think less of her, will tease her for being a girl and hence unable to even climb a tree because of this condition. She thinks that she should be able to do this herself, unaided.

The voices get nearer, as does the storm. She is now drenched; even her t-shirt is soaked through, causing her to shiver violently.

"Kate," Ben shouts. But still she ignores him. Her feet search again for a branch or notch. "Katie," he calls, "What are you doing up there?" He has seen her.

Exhausted, she cannot bring herself to answer his question. The storm is overhead now, thunder shakes the branches of the tree, and she hopes to god that the lightning will chose another place to strike. And, with no other options left, she closes her eyes and realises that she must ask.

"Help," she whispers. "Help," she calls out, louder.

"Katie, move your foot left." She follows his orders. She finds the foot hold as described, and then another foot down as he guides her down, down, to the ground.

And then she is safe.

---

2: "I'm afraid"

-

She doesn't like to think about the first time she is truly afraid.

When her dad is taken to hospital with pains in his chest and the doctors fear that he's suffered a heart attack and then can't tell them anything more. And she doesn't really understand.

She tries not to think of this moment whenever she breathes in the scent of hospitals; that faintly ill smell, some combination of disinfectant and stale air.

But still, she recalls sitting in the hard plastic chair beside her brother, as her mom walks gently backwards and forwards, blatantly attempting not to cry.

And her brother grabs her arm so tight that she can feel nothing but the pain, but she refuses to complain.

And then her mom goes to speak to the doctors, and leaves them alone for so long that she can barely breathe for fear that doing so will change something beyond all hope. And as the length of time increases, so does her fear.

So, instead, she concentrates on the pain and gritting her teeth, and not on the fear that she feels.

And then Daniel looks down at her and asks if she's okay and she cannot reply.

"I'm afraid," he tells her.

She takes a deep breath, and nearly chickens out. But looking at her brother, she knows that telling him the truth will help them both and he won't make fun of her. "I'm afraid too," she admits.

And he pulls her closer to his side, hugging her from one side and although it's uncomfortable, she relishes in the feeling.

Later, her mom returns and tells them that dad will be okay and she finally breathes easily again.

---

3: "I miss you"

-

The days at NCIS can be as long and tiring as those which she experienced working for the Secret Service. Neither job has allowed her much time off to go visit family.

And so, it is with regret that she has to cancel a trip home when a large case requires her presence in Washington.

She dreads the conversation that must take place; particularly as her work load necessitates that she cannot spend much time on it.

She waits until the office is as empty as it is going to be and hesitantly calls her brother.

"Hi, it's me," she announces.

"Katie?" her brother, Daniel, replies.

"I can't talk for long."

"You're on your way?" her brother questions.

"Uh, no…" she falters.

"You're not coming, are you?" he asks.

"I… There's a big case on and I…" she trails off.

Her brother sighs, disappointed. "Mom's not gonna be happy. It's the holidays, Katie."

"I know, I'm really sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"Katie," and then he stops that line of conversation. "You do what you have to."

There's a pause and she can't help but feel that the distance between herself and her family is increasing.

"Dan… I'm sorry…" And I miss you, she thinks. But she can't seem to get the words out. Her family has never been overly sentimental – she has never been overly sentimental – and it seems too hard to start now.

"It's okay, Kate."

But it's not and she can't think of how to reply.

"I'll let you get back to work," he says. "You'll call again soon?"

"Of course." And again there is a pause in the conversation and she's not sure if she's supposed to fill it or just leave it to him.

"See you, Katie."

He's about to hang up the phone when she calls out, "Dan."

"Yeah?"

And she knows that it's now or never. "I miss you," she half chokes out.

The awkwardness lessens somewhat and she can hear him smile as he tells her, "We miss you too, Kate."

And then the conversation is over and she hangs up.

"Have to cancel plans with the boyfriend?" Tony asks with a grin.

"Something like that," she responds wearily, not taking the bait.

And then he is briefly serious. "We'll go for a drink later; you, me, Abby, McGee. It won't quite make up for cancelling your vacation, but we can at least make fun of probie…."

She gives a half-smile.

---

4: "I love you"

-

She watches him more frequently now. It's been worse since he was ill and somehow she finds herself intricately connected to this person she promised herself that she would never, ever fall for.

He wanders, uninvited, into her thoughts, often at inappropriate moments. Her dreams involve him more frequently; embarrassingly, not just in work situations as before, but in more personal circumstances.

It has been building slowly now for so long that she didn't realise what she felt at first. Even then, she tried to deny that she felt anything but friendship towards him.

And then, it becomes impossible to deny.

The realisation comes from nothing overly significant; no romantic gesture that sweeps her off her feet; no lightning bolt from the sky; no life-or-death situation that causes her to realise that, yes, he is – annoyingly enough – the one.

It's just a smile.

No ordinary smile, mind you, but still, just a smile.

Across Chinese take out. Oh, the romance, she thinks sarcastically to herself later.

It is mid-case; she is doing database searches at nine-fifteen on a Friday night in an attempt to locate any information on any suspect at all. And then, a carton of Chinese food lands unceremoniously on her desk.

"In case you get hungry," Tony says as he swaggers back over to his chair, props his feet up on his desk, and twists noodles from his own carton around chopsticks.

She looks at him, questioningly.

"It's been over eight hours since you last ate, Kate," he informs her. "Come over here. Be sociable."

She opens the carton of admittedly appetisingly-scented food. Her favourite, she notes. "I'm still searching the database."

"It can wait," he replies, and pats the desk beside him.

"Oh, really, Tony? What with Gibbs informing us that under no circumstances are we to leave the building without at least one suspect? Do you have some sort of masochistic desire to stay here for all eternity?" she questions, not without some amount of sarcasm.

He stretches back in his seat, arms overhead, a small amount of skin exposed.

"And as it's Friday, don't you have a date of some description to go on?" she continues.

He shakes his head, "Afraid not. Unless this counts?"

She rolls her eyes.

"Katie, you know I have eyes for no one but you," he offers. And somehow, for some reason that she puts down to her own deluded desire and tiredness and over-worked brain, it sounds almost sincere.

Her eyes meet his, and for an instance, she nearly believes him.

And then she laughs, shaking off her delusion.

It is the smile that follows that does it. A smile she doesn't think she's seen before; an intimate, secret smile for just her.

And she stops laughing. And just watches.

She won't tell him yet.

Because Caitlin Todd doesn't just tell people that she thinks she loves them.

One day, she might let him know.

And then, shortly afterwards, she is dead. And then there are no more words to say.

---

Finis.


End file.
